i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way

Well, at least this post isn't concerned with theology or my own lovely fucked-up psyche.

I've been trying my hardest to keep everything going lately, and it's all failing. Two essays, each worth 25% of their respective modules, both due in on the 24th. I should be writing frantically right now, I should know what I'm doing, but I don't. This is not through lack of trying, it's just exhaustion and the sinking feeling that this is not going to turn out at all well. I just can't face writing these essays. Period. I also need to work on all my translations: that's the Res Gestae, Apuleius and Euripides, because they're all due in at about the time of the essays and so they won't be done as the deadline approaches.

University is just a juggling act: the skill is keeping all of the balls in the air. I'm usually an excellent juggler, but right now a lot of stuff is going to end up on the floor.

I can't wait to go back to Cambridge in a few weeks. I want to go home and be fed and be taken care of and not have to panic about my appalling work life/sex life/weight issues. Yeah, I can't believe I wrote that either. It's just that my eating schedule's all over the place, and because I'm working until 3am a lot I get the munchies for bread and Marmite, or Special K, or whatever I've got at awful moments. I'm sure I'm gaining weight. Once I start eating though my body still believes it's hungry, and I have to work so hard not to eat something else. Then I hate myself for my weakness.

In addition, I went shopping with Jenny, and we swapped clothes a few times. The thing is, I'm about 10 inches taller than her, but she's usually takes a size up from me. She's not a big girl at all, but she has pretty prominent breasts, and so if we swap clothes or both try something on, I'm taking a size down from her. She's not trying to, but she's being a bit snide about it. She referred to me as 'offensively skinny' recently - dude, I'm a bit under 10 stone! That's not even close to offensive! I would love to be able to wear corsets and actually enjoy bra shopping instead of it being another fantastic round of 'and will this one fit...? No, of course not!' So yeah, I'm indulging in a bit of self-loathing at the moment. So sue me.

I also slept with Nick again, but that's not an issue. He wants another girl, and he made it abundantly clear that I am like no other girl he knows: I'm a friend in a way that he doesn't usually get from people he wants to sleep with. So this is cool: we're mates, and we're cool. That works for me. It makes me question his motivation, but that's not my problem. I've actually come to realise how little I care about the men in my life, which is not good. I don't think I've ever met a man whom I could elevate beyond the level of a friend whom I sleep with. [There is potentially an interesting exposition of my psyche here, but I'll re-evaluate my sexuality later when I'm less busy.]

Nick and I hooked up after George's party, which was fucking funny: someone invited along their 17-year old brother, who was a right little poser, but who made me laugh and clearly wanted me to *ahem* disappear somewhere with him. This led Nick into a right moment of jealousy (he then asked me if he could come back to mine, and told me that he didn't mind me going off with other men, 'like that Tom guy', which would of course make sense if he didn't throw a fit every time I do. Okay, let me assure everyone reading this that I am not quite as slutty as that phrasing implied, and that he simply goes a bit spare every time a guy flirts with me, because I have proved once or twice that I will go home with people if I feel like it. However, I'm not going to bed with a 17-year old I just met). The situation did resolve itself, as the 17-year old ended up throwing up about 4837248 units of alcohol in the kitchen bin and thus was somewhat unable to follow through on his promises. Like I said at the time: I'm sorry for him, but LOL.

Also, best quotes of the night: 'It's like sex, but walnuts', and 'I'm happy. I've got a bin.' CLASSIC.

I also want to buy too many clothes, having bought a great many books for my Origins essay so that I don't have to panic about not being able to get books because I maxed out my library account getting books for Augustus, and I have also bought a lot of booze recently. Money money...wherefore art thou? I also hate buying clothes when I'm paranoid about the fit. Like I said, I'm having body issues at the moment.

London (Camden!) on Thursday, Evolve with Kate and Soozi Thursday night, Koko's tomorrow with Ellie, possibly Crash on Friday, miss out Saturday, wake up Sunday with a hangover and then have a good panic about my two non-existent essays.

Yep, that sounds about right.

For now, I have Irish coffee with Sheep Dip whiskey (bought entirely for the humour of that name), Alice in Chains and leftover pizza. There have been worse evenings.

[That's me desperately trying to end on a note that doesn't contradict the first sentence of this post.]