shame, such a shame, think i kinda lost myself again

I hate the fact that I never have fucking time to do anything at the moment, and that all my time belongs to other people.

I don't want to get up tomorrow at 4:45am to catch a train home, but I don't have a choice if I want to have any time at home.

I don't really want to go out tonight, but I don't have a choice since it's Jenny's birthday and everyone will be at Kasbah, and my non-attendance will be commented on and I'll feel like a fucking failure if I stay in when I could have journeyed back to Cambridge.

I don't want to spend money, but I want to get drunk.

I don't want to make myself beautiful, as it would only feel like a mask at the moment and I'm sick of hiding behind masks and I want to be raw and ugly as a testament to loss.

I don't want to go out into the cold, because I feel like I'll never get warm again otherwise. But I don't want to stay in this room, because it's too small and too personal to contain all my self-loathing.

Basically, I want to stop sucking at things.