hit so hard, i saw god

God I feel awful.

Joe and I were arguing, as per bloody usual, about laws and their place in the state. As is always our wont, we agreed on the main points and then had to spend an hour ironing out the kinks in a tiny point of ideology. We got down to the idea that if there's only one person left on earth, do the laws still apply to him. Joe maintains that they do, that law is inviolable (and he admitted that he's massively hypocritical, since he begs me to buy him weed every time he gets drunk), I stuck to my belief that it was utterly pointless.

Joe approaches all of this like the recovering Catholic that he is. Whether or not he's actually an atheist, he takes his ideals and makes them into his God. I commented on this, and he asked me what I actually believe about God.

I hate that question.

I laughed him off, acted all enigmatic, and that only increased his interest. He didn't even press me too much, just stayed silent and looked at me in that way that makes me remember everything that's passed between us. I love him, I hate him, he infuriates me and soothes me. He's my best friend and I want to be nothing like him.

So I told him. Because he's Joe, and he's good. And he told me that I was honest, which is probably the best quality to have. The second the words were out of my mouth I felt like crying, but that just sealed it. I feel like I've been hit.

I hate thinking about God. I don't care: you have to deal with the world as it is, and God is irrelevant. If personal faith brings you comfort, then that's a wonderful thing, a private flame. But I can't bear everyone knowing the secrets of my brain, I can't bear everything peeling me open, knowing what I think about these things.

I then cornered him and asked him not to tell anyone else. He asked me how I was feeling, and I said exposed. He really didn't get it: he reiterated that no-one has the right to make me tell them things or take my belief away from me. He's such an idealist, and he's so skilled at missing the point. I know he doesn't understand, but there are certain cards that are always stapled to my chest, and I just ripped a card off. The staple is still there, and it's started bleeding again.

If there's one person I could have told, it would have been Joe. Now though, I just feel like my brain is broken. It's massive misdirection: I don't want God factoring into the way people view me. It has no bearing on me, my decisions, my political beliefs.

I can't bear feeling so open.

This is why I need to be an enigma. Because I can't bear the thought of being so totally exposed, because the second you say something it will be taken and cherished as a memory, as a judgement by others. The plethora of ideas within my head would become a sullied diaspora if released.

I have to keep myself locked up. I can hint, as in this blog, I can write things out to make them better, but I can never give it all away. And knowing this, that I can never share myself fully with another human being, is the most lonely and desolate thought I can formulate.