i bet you don't know how to spell contradiction

I'm a wee bit disgusted with myself. I knew that John liked me, and I let it go way further than I should have done. Okay, I didn't let it go all the way, but more than that, I did imply that I was available. Now if he'd been willing to leave it as a one-night thing, or a fuckup between friends, I could have coped. But the fucker wouldn't leave my house, so I was hiding in my own room, and he was treating me like a girlfriend. Not cool.

So I lied and told him that I had a girlfriend back home, and that I was trying not to fuck that up.

Why am I, who values directness so much, so appalling at being direct?

This is why I shouldn't get into bed with people I actually DON'T want to hurt. And I didn't want to be cruel. That doesn't exonerate me, but I did actually pick this as the least cruel of my options. And yes, the most cowardly, but still.

I've reached my limit. I've behaved really appallingly recently, and I'm not proud of myself. I'm doing things and wondering why later. Essentially, I'm doing things because I can, and that's not a good thing.

Ellie and I were talking about this last night: we both feel like we do things of questionable worth, partly out of alcohol, partly out of low self-esteem. I'm still self-conscious enough to find it alluring when someone thinks I'm beautiful, and it clouds my judgement. Plus, I know now that the morning after I'll remember why I don't want them in my life, why I prefer being alone, but I'm naive enough to hope that I will meet someone who gets that, who doesn't make me feel pressured. But until I do, I'd be a terrible girlfriend for anyone: they need someone who responds to those things, for whom girlfriend is not a death sentence.

Okay, I'm officially detoxing. Less alcohol, less flirting, more work, more honesty. I'm going to try and be a better person, the type of person I would like to be. And if I have to be a whore, the least I can be is an honest whore.

Right. Now, to try and live better.