can't believe the lure was enough

Looking at my post yesterday, I was kinda losing it. When I ramble that much, you can tell that something's wrong. It almost reads like an incident report: just the facts ma'am, only in my case there was a fair bit of freaking out too.

Amazingly, Ashley hadn't heard a thing, and Jenny and Paul only moved in yesterday afternoon. Both are exactly the same, and it was nice having other things to focus on. Paul, Ash and I spent ages just sitting in Ashley's room chatting and finding funny quotations in quote books. It was so lovely and relaxed it helped me chill out.

However, we went to the Duck with Kate, and when we were at the bar I told her. Not everything, but enough. Her reaction was just as I expected: surprised, but not overtly judgemental. However, she asked a question which as been haunting me: 'Why? I thought you didn't like him like that.' And now I feel like a right ratbag, because she's depressingly right: I have never thought of Nick in a sexual way. We've always been friends, and okay, we've made out once or twice, but sex was never on the cards. So why the hell did Friday night happen?

My conclusions are not flattering: I was drunk, he was drunk, I wasn't expecting things to go as far as they did. However, there's something deeper. I am appalling at saying no to people, especially in this sort of context. I'm still insecure enough about my attractiveness, especially to men (I'm used to being the friend who's perfect for you but you'll never get with) that I'll let things happen to stroke my ego. Which is so despicable that I'd hit anyone who used it as an excuse.

However, the flipside is that I'm also still kind of unsure about my attraction to men. It always seems to work out best in an abstract sense: I can't tell if that's latent lesbianism (hardly sodding latent, but anyway) or just life biting me in the arse. Whenever I'm with someone, I feel like I am just a mirror for their desire, rather than possessing it in my own right. Often during sex (either gender) all I want is to be a vessel for someone else, the way in which someone else will feel good rather than wanting it for myself. I don't know if that's a hangover from Sam or not, but it makes it even harder to say no.

And yet, there's a little bit of me that isn't surprised, or even remorseful. I think Nick and I were always going to do something (this, okay, was further than I expected to go), and maybe now we actually have a shot at being friends for a long time. Fingers crossed we're both the sort of people that can do something like this and then put it behind us. I don't want a relationship, and I know that Nick and I are not compatible in that respect, but if this remains as casual as I think we both kind of implied we wanted it to be, this could work out pretty nicely.

However (how many flipsides does this have?) Nick has been very enigmatic with me before. He's not stupid: he says what's appropriate for the situation. When we were figuring out the whole me-shagging-Tom thing, it was all 'nope, not interested'. On Friday night, it was all 'I've wanted this for ages'. I would hate to think that he wants something more than I'm prepared to give, and he's really misunderstood the type of person I am.

Oh Christ, I was feeling okay about this earlier, now I really don't. All I can pray is that we'll see each other, it'll be relaxed and normal, and everything will move on. Until then, everything's on ice, and I refuse to get caught up into anything I can't commit to. I would much rather let a potential relationship go than lose a friend because I rushed into something I wasn't ready for.

I can't stop listening to the Silversun Pickups' Catch and Release. It's way too perfect for this whole situation. Now every time I hear it I feel a little guilty.

I hate the fact I can't trust my own decisions.