summer could come again, i could be happy

Update on the monumentally fucked up situation: he didn't tell her last week. I felt like punching him in the face, and tried to shut everything down, but when I did I realised something: I never got over this man. I want to go back to 18 months ago and tell myself not to break up with him for such a fucking stupid reason. I'd forgotten how this feels. It's like there's no disconnect between me as a friend and me as a girlfriend: it's so good to feel respected for what's in my head. I really didn't know what a good thing I had until I lost it.

And yet I don't regret this. Over the last 18 months I've become so much closer to the person I want to be. Could I have done that if we'd been together. I don't know. I'm just so glad he wants me, whether it's the fucked-up, somewhat naive girl who he met on my 19th birthday, or the person I am now.

We've had one of many deep and meaningful conversations, the gist of which being that this is something and it's going to be something. Obviously I'm scared, because this is me, but I'm not going to run away. Yes, I'm committment-phobic and scared of being trapped, but I'm not going to get another chance here. If he can cope with me being scared, then I'm going to take the risk.

Of course this is the easy bit. Rebuilding all my bridges with her is going to be a bitch, and I wouldn't blame her for punching me in the face. She's so childlike and fragile at the moment: I don't want to break her. But she's told me several times drunkenly that she doesn't think they like each other: what the hell do I with that information? And it can't have been that solid if all it took was a bottle of vodka that left us sentient enough to care about contraception to get us into bed. I highly doubt I'm so amazing in the sack that I can make men forget about their girlfriends.

I just feel bad because we're such different people. She doesn't seem to know how not to be in a relationship, so she's clinging to this no matter what. If it were me, I'd dump the fucker the second I started to feel as lost as she seems to look.

Despite all this, I got 97% in my Odyssey test and two Firsts in my essays. So out of six essays this year, I've got five Firsts and I'm still waiting on the sixth. I could actually get six motherfucking Firsts this year. I so rock ^_^

We've also been picking modules for next year. I've got no choice about my dissertation and Greek Literary Texts, but that still left me with two options. I knew I'd be doing Tiberius to Hadrian because I've wanted to do that since A-Level, and if I'm not doing Tacitus for my dissertation I might as well turn all that knowledge to something useful. It also fulfils my Latin component as well. I did sign up for History of Medicine, but the lure of Politics and Poetics with Dorrells and Fearn was too strong, and I switched. Plus, I get to do it in Latin and Greek. I am literally so happy about that. Ignore the fact that the boything will be doing most of the Greek for me, I'm still happy about it.

There are so many things around me which signify contentment. Hole gig tonight, most of a bottle of tequila left, Latin and Greek dictionaries, being curled up under boyface's blanket, homemade curry...

I feel like a bitch, but I'm happy at the moment.